My son is in juvenile detention for violating his probation. I need to find a school that will accept him, but the waiting lists are long. My problem is keeping him occupied and out of trouble. Do you have any suggestions?

Teen Response Summary : Get the teenaged boy involved in activities that he enjoys, and do that by getting him a mentor.

I'm afraid I can't be of much help when it comes to finding a school, but I can say that homeschooling has been known to work, whether by a tutor, or by yourself.

To keep him occupied and out of trouble, you need to facilitate activities that he excels in and enjoys at the same time. Now, I don't know what he's done to get himself landed in juvenile detention, but assuming whatever he did was because he was seeking a thrill, how about giving him a real thrill? Make him write a report on bungee jumping, and then send him off to do it! (That's a little extreme, but perhaps you can come up with a better example.)

Teenagers need positive reinforcement, and they need to know that whatever they are feeling, as unique as each teen deals with feelings and issues, that there are others that are feeling the same way. Making a teenager aware of the possibilities that will be open to them if they stay in school and stay out of trouble is absolutely essential. Don't show him internships and dead-end jobs, though. Show him something that will get his blood flowing.

Let's say he's always enjoyed auto racing. Does he know how many people are involved in the crew of one driver? I did a simple search, and there are approximately 25 people at the absolute minimum for everything from engine building to publicity, and there may be well over a hundred. What's stopping him from getting close to the action? Surely he can learn to do some of the same work that these people do for a living!

I am a firm believer in mentoring. A mentor in school, and a mentor in business would be ideal. A mentor is a caring person that can keep your son on track. They will work with him to discover himself and the world. A parent can only do so much to get through to their kids. You have taken a great step in caring enough to try and get him back into school when he leaves juvenile detention. Now, ask him to help himself by spending time with a mentor. A mentor can be a friend of yours who is interested in helping out a teenager, or it could be a fully certified psychologist that has been through mentorship training, or even a peer at school. It is up to you to decide what you want to do, but a mentor could be incredibly helpful.

The Maven Critique: Though (at this time) 50% of readers have NOT liked this response, suggesting positive reinforcement and a mentor are great ideas. This teen counselor may not have done enough to connect the two things together, though. In the end, this teen counselor also doesn't explain how to mend the relationship between mother and son. There's no indication it is bad, but with a child in jail, a positive relationship seems less likely. What can the mother truly do to keep her son out of jail and make sure he knows that she doesn't want him there?

What do YOU think?

My mother suffered severe depression and addiction all her grown up years and recently committed suicide. I am her oldest child and I found her. My children think that Grandma died of a heart attack. I feel I need to tell them the truth, before they hear it from someone else. What are your thoughts and advice on this?

They know that Grandma was depressed frequently and was on medication. She was a big part of their lives when she was "feeling better".

(Oldest child is 13 and youngest 3 years old.)

Teen Response Summary: Each child needs a different response based on their understanding of suicide.

My condolences.

Making a decision is more difficult because of the different ages of your children. Ultimately, you have to decide how much to tell, and how each of your children will respond to and understand what you tell them. Your two oldest, while only a year and a half apart, may have VERY different reactions, and it will depend on their own personalities as well as their maturity level.

Would you need to explain the concept of suicide to either of them? How it is viewed in society, how you feel about it, how they feel about it? And would they be able to keep it a secret from your three year old? In my opinion, your youngest child shouldn't learn, and probably wouldn't fully understand suicide, even in the simplest of terms.

My best suggestion is to cater what you say to each child. You should see what your sister(s) have to say on the issue, especially if they have children. How would/did they deal with the issue? Having said that, I think the likelihood of your children learning from someone else about the manner in which their grandmother passed away is probably slim, and it may be safe to let them think that she had a heart attack for a little longer. Also, stating that she had a heart attack isn't entirely untrue, as the drug overdose did cause her heart to stop beating, so you haven't actually lied to your children. And when you do choose to explain her suicide, they may respect you for not telling them the whole thing initially.

One last thing, is that it is important to stress that depression and mental illness can be passed on from generation to generation. Making your children aware of this will make them healthier adolescents and adults.

The Maven Critique: This teen counselor seems very genuinely concerned about each child, but the idea of "catering" what is said to each child is not entirely clear. Why shouldn't all of the kids hear the same thing and then have the mother give the opportunity to each child to privately voice their questions and concerns? The part about the heart attack and how the mother hasn't "actually lied" to her children seems a bit much. While this may have been intended to make the mother feel better about what she told her children, the wording is insensitive.

What do YOU think?

My son (16) has been hanging out with a 17 year old who has had disciplinary problems. This new friend just got a car and we found out that our son was driving to school with him even after we took our son's driving priveleges away for a poor report card. Our son skipped an afternoon of school with this boy after a fire drill and they were suspended for 3 days. My wife and I have decided that our son needs to sever his relationship with this boy, and that we are going to restrict his activities for a month, including no driving. Naturally, he thinks we are being too harsh and that it isn't a big deal. I'm interested in trying to figure out what punishment is fair.

Teen Response Summary: The teen counselor doesn't think he would've responded any differently from the parents. As a result, the parent is going to automatically think that they are being completely fair. In the very first sentence, this teen counselor gives the parent exactly what they want, but doesn't teach them anything or help them to better understand their teenager or communicate better with him. The rest of the response from the teen counselor will probably still be read, but does it really matter at this point?

While I can't say that my parents would have reacted any differently than you, and if I were you, I'd probably be thinking the same thing, but because I'm not in the situation, I'm going to take a totally different approach. Bear with me...I'm going to go through some background of what your son is probably thinking.

Picture how your son sees it. One day, he meets this guy that is totally cool. It is irrelevant whether or not he realizes that this guy is against everything you stand for. This guy gives him the opportunity to feel free and have some deserved fun. Who's not up for that?

So, this guy is now a friend, and maybe your son is being negatively influenced. It is irrelevant whether or not your son realizes this, he is getting instant gratification for hanging out with his new friend. So, when a fire drill gives them the opportunity to sneak away, they take it and have a great time. I'll be honest, I did worse than that...my dad dropped me off at school, I walked into the school, and five minutes later, I got in a car with a friend and we left. I think we returned for one, maybe two classes in the afternoon. I didn't get caught, and did I do it again? No...not as severely at least. Your son, most likely, will try again. He got caught...next time, his goal is not to get caught. This isn't the news you wanted to know, but you should be aware of it. Anyhow, on to the actual punishment.

My view, and probably your son's also, is that it isn't your right to sever his relationship with this guy. He's old enough to choose his own friends, even if they are the wrong one's. Severing the relationship will only make hanging out with him that much better and that much cooler.

As for the driving, that's probably fair...but, let me say one thing...my grades were dropping pretty low at one point in time in high school, and my parents blamed it on my excessive use of the computer. When they restricted my use of the computer, it didn't help me study or improve my grades, so they let me back on the computer and my grades improved again. I'm not sure how this worked, but it did, just keep it in mind. As for restricting his activities, I'm not sure what you mean. My theory, is that if you take away something that they really like, or makes them really happy, it can work to your advantage, but can also do the complete opposite. If driving is the only thing that your son looks forward to on the weekend and now he can't drive, he has no incentive to work hard, he's already lost that happiness, and working is only going to make him more unhappy, and he may fall deeper into the trap that he is setting for himself. It seems logical that anyone should be able to recognize this and not let it happen to them, but it happens to teenagers across the world all the time.

Wow, this is getting long...

To continue...it's your responsibility to facilitate his growth and personal freedom. If this means strict regulations on weekdays regarding doing his homework, it should consequently mean extended privileges on weekends...perhaps this means no curfew on Friday nights as long as he lets you know where he'll be, and that you will check in on him if he doesn't check in with you. If it means taking his friend on a family vacation to give your son supervised time with him, so be it. Throw a party at your house - bring your son's social life to your house. Take the guys out for pizza because you want pizza. Get involved. Sometimes irresponsible behavior is in response to a need for privileges. If you extend his privileges, he has no rules to break, and will consequently behave properly.

So, is your punishment fair? Maybe, maybe not. In order to really come up with a fair punishment, you need to ask him what a fair punishment is. Don't let him get away with "I don't know." "I don't care." "Whatever" or any other lousy response. Let him know that you want to come to a healthy compromise that you can both agree upon. Hopefully, this will lead to further discussion as to other rules he feels restricted by. You don't need to change them all then, though, promise him that they will be dealt with once these other issues can be put past the both of you.

The Maven Critique: This teen counselor does a good job of painting a picture for the parents. It might even take them down memory lane to a rebellious time for them. What this teen counselor does not do a great job of, is explaining how his specific circumstances and experiences with skipping school and having computer usage taken away from him are similar to the circumstances and experiences of this parent's son. It's important not to make too many assumptions. This teen counselor suggests that the teenager will try to skip school again. Is that a safe assumption?

There is a lot of great stuff in this response. The part about severing the relationship between the two teens could have been beefed up a bit, but the simplicity speaks volumes. And the part about facilitating growth and responsibility in the teenager by becoming more involved in the teenager's social life is a valid approach to communication and a healthy family.

What do YOU think?

In that time, many teenagers have assisted fellow teens in sorting out their life issues. But teenagers need more than just help from their peers, they need help from parents, religious leaders, teachers, and mentors of all kinds. That is why MavenGlobe Advice offers advice to parents, religious leaders, teachers, and mentors. They can help teenagers and pre-teens by listening to teenagers offer advice on the issues that they are facing with teenagers in their lives.

But teenagers don't know everything, and we don't think we know everything. So, we want your advice and your perspective on the advice that we give out. As teenagers, we want to assist other teens but we want to learn how we might better assist them through the advice that we give. Making sense yet? Critique us!