Parenting Advice Request Summary: Mom needs to find a way to keep her teenaged son out of jail.
My son is in juvenile detention for violating his probation. I need to find a school that will accept him, but the waiting lists are long. My problem is keeping him occupied and out of trouble. Do you have any suggestions?
Teen Response Summary : Get the teenaged boy involved in activities that he enjoys, and do that by getting him a mentor.
I’m afraid I can’t be of much help when it comes to finding a school, but I can say that homeschooling has been known to work, whether by a tutor, or by yourself.
To keep him occupied and out of trouble, you need to facilitate activities that he excels in and enjoys at the same time. Now, I don’t know what he’s done to get himself landed in juvenile detention, but assuming whatever he did was because he was seeking a thrill, how about giving him a real thrill? Make him write a report on bungee jumping, and then send him off to do it! (That’s a little extreme, but perhaps you can come up with a better example.)
Teenagers need positive reinforcement, and they need to know that whatever they are feeling, as unique as each teen deals with feelings and issues, that there are others that are feeling the same way. Making a teenager aware of the possibilities that will be open to them if they stay in school and stay out of trouble is absolutely essential. Don’t show him internships and dead-end jobs, though. Show him something that will get his blood flowing.
Let’s say he’s always enjoyed auto racing. Does he know how many people are involved in the crew of one driver? I did a simple search, and there are approximately 25 people at the absolute minimum for everything from engine building to publicity, and there may be well over a hundred. What’s stopping him from getting close to the action? Surely he can learn to do some of the same work that these people do for a living!
I am a firm believer in mentoring. A mentor in school, and a mentor in business would be ideal. A mentor is a caring person that can keep your son on track. They will work with him to discover himself and the world. A parent can only do so much to get through to their kids. You have taken a great step in caring enough to try and get him back into school when he leaves juvenile detention. Now, ask him to help himself by spending time with a mentor. A mentor can be a friend of yours who is interested in helping out a teenager, or it could be a fully certified psychologist that has been through mentorship training, or even a peer at school. It is up to you to decide what you want to do, but a mentor could be incredibly helpful.
The Maven Critique: Though (at this time) 50% of readers have NOT liked this response, suggesting positive reinforcement and a mentor are great ideas. This teen counselor may not have done enough to connect the two things together, though. In the end, this teen counselor also doesn’t explain how to mend the relationship between mother and son. There’s no indication it is bad, but with a child in jail, a positive relationship seems less likely. What can the mother truly do to keep her son out of jail and make sure he knows that she doesn’t want him there?
What do YOU think?
July 24th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Being a juvenile detention officer, I see many kids in trouble like this. Unfortunately, the trouble (more times than not) stems from the home environment, parental guidance (or lack thereof), and the like. Take a hard look at his environment. Homeschooling (I did that for 8 years with two children) will be a problem for him, as kids by this age have had to learn self-discipline. Your son does not have control of this as is evidenced by violating probation. Schools (in our area) do not like to take kids in who are on probation — especially those with probation violations. They are referred to substandard warehousing schools. While these schools do the best they can, they have classrooms full of kids who have committed crimes… Doesn’t make for a great learning environment – if your child is at all interested in following an educational path.
Getting kids into new activities is a plus. Doing that together is a bigger one. This leads to conversation, exploration, etc. Finding an area of interest and letting him pursue that is a great idea. That, of course, takes time to develop. Summer is a great time to start. In my opinion, he needs to get away from the ‘peers’ he is with now. Finding a new outlet, he would meet new people, and perhaps develop the inner strength needed to stay on task. So, if he likes cars, ask a local mechanic if your son could volunteer there during the week. You get the idea. In my experience, when the kids have something they are proud of (either an effort they’ve made, a project they completed, etc.) they start to come around. Dialog opens up, they walk a little taller…
Public service is another way to go – and one I highly recommend. Crime rates drop when kids are invested in their community. Kids need to know the society in which they live to gain respect for it; feel part of it. They need to volunteer to clean trails, work with the elderly, re-paint graffitied walls, work at an animal rescue center, and the like. You can do this with him. Kids have to have a stake in their community. They will meet others who do the same, and will develop ties with them – taking him in yet another direction. This means work for you (time, driving, etc), but the payoff is fabulous.
Best of luck. This is a rough patch for you and your son, but not insurmountable.
April 21st, 2010 at 5:56 pm
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May 20th, 2010 at 11:58 pm
My daughter went through the same thing. Involving the probation officer in the process of finding a school is extremely beneficial. If you son is seeing a therapist for behaviorial issues the intake at school should include an IEP for emotional impairment. In the county we live in there is a school specifically designated for emotionally impaired children. I found that while the school could turn me away, they had a difficult time saying no to the probation officer.
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