Parenting Advice Request Summary: Grandma recently committed suicide, and mom didn't tell the kids the real reason for her death. She doesn't want them to learn about it from aunts, uncles, cousins, or anyone else. The youngest child is 3, but the oldest is a young teenager.

My mother suffered severe depression and addiction all her grown up years and recently committed suicide. I am her oldest child and I found her. My children think that Grandma died of a heart attack. I feel I need to tell them the truth, before they hear it from someone else. What are your thoughts and advice on this?

They know that Grandma was depressed frequently and was on medication. She was a big part of their lives when she was "feeling better".

(Oldest child is 13 and youngest 3 years old.)

Teen Response Summary: Each child needs a different response based on their understanding of suicide.

My condolences.

Making a decision is more difficult because of the different ages of your children. Ultimately, you have to decide how much to tell, and how each of your children will respond to and understand what you tell them. Your two oldest, while only a year and a half apart, may have VERY different reactions, and it will depend on their own personalities as well as their maturity level.

Would you need to explain the concept of suicide to either of them? How it is viewed in society, how you feel about it, how they feel about it? And would they be able to keep it a secret from your three year old? In my opinion, your youngest child shouldn't learn, and probably wouldn't fully understand suicide, even in the simplest of terms.

My best suggestion is to cater what you say to each child. You should see what your sister(s) have to say on the issue, especially if they have children. How would/did they deal with the issue? Having said that, I think the likelihood of your children learning from someone else about the manner in which their grandmother passed away is probably slim, and it may be safe to let them think that she had a heart attack for a little longer. Also, stating that she had a heart attack isn't entirely untrue, as the drug overdose did cause her heart to stop beating, so you haven't actually lied to your children. And when you do choose to explain her suicide, they may respect you for not telling them the whole thing initially.

One last thing, is that it is important to stress that depression and mental illness can be passed on from generation to generation. Making your children aware of this will make them healthier adolescents and adults.

The Maven Critique: This teen counselor seems very genuinely concerned about each child, but the idea of "catering" what is said to each child is not entirely clear. Why shouldn't all of the kids hear the same thing and then have the mother give the opportunity to each child to privately voice their questions and concerns? The part about the heart attack and how the mother hasn't "actually lied" to her children seems a bit much. While this may have been intended to make the mother feel better about what she told her children, the wording is insensitive.

What do YOU think?

Leave a Reply

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website